Sometimes random Reddit posts have me like...

I saw this post on #Reddit asking people what the funniest or best reason was that they’ve seen someone quit or be fired from a job. It struck a cord with me apparently, because before I knew it I was word vomiting the following on all the poor Redditors:

”I wonder if anyone will share the day they saw me quit in front of a room full of people at BioLife because it was a hostile work environment, and my “supervisor” was a huge jerk who was making me do stock despite the fact that I always switched out with someone, no one cared about this except for the nosy little...that worked up front that didn’t even know me, I had severe fibromyalgia and a ruptured disc, and I injured myself like 10 seconds in.

Then when I went to the managers, he didn’t believe they told me to take the rest of the afternoon off and go see my doctor to get a more detailed list of restrictions (which it already said no lifting, no bending, no turning, with boxes, etc)...so I said “don’t believe me? Fine, that’s it, I quit!” And I walked out.

My managers were running after me, asking me to reconsider, and I told them I’d do my shift the next day since they’d be short, but after that I’m done.

I talked to the *main* manager the next day and found out they had been letting the *entire* front staff basically gossip about me and whether or not I was really sick, or could really not do stock, and they all hated me without even knowing me. (A large group of us opened that place together and literally put all the equipment and beds together when we opened, we were like family, and we all knew each other’s stuff).

So just because they hadn’t been working with me (and I was a damned good worker—both in skill and work ethic), they wrote me off based on one thing they didn’t even know a thing about. So when my manager asked what I wanted to do, I said I was leaving. At that point I’d already been in a terrible job where I was basically hounded by this one person the entire time I was there, bc once your job knows you’re sick, you may as well just quit. I told her I couldn’t work in a hostile environment ever again. It was too hard on me mentally and emotionally. Wow sorry this was so long.

So I guess I had a lot of emotional stuff to get out about that. I went on to two other jobs, office jobs, and I had a really bad time at one of them. I faced hostility pretty much the moment I arrived. I’m not sure if it‘a because the woman hated everyone, or just me, but man, was she awful to me while she was there. I was there for about a year. Things never got any better, they actually got worse. So at the one year mark I left.

My new job was pretty great at first. Everyone was really nice and they were really accommodating with all of my issues. Actually there wasn’t much hostility there at all, it just became impossible for me to work in an office environment, and that really wasn’t their fault. I still miss the people I worked with. They were great. I wish I could have worked there forever.

I did also manage to get a job through vocational rehabilitation services. Anyone out there unable to work due to medical problems, look them up in your town. They were a godsend for me. I didn’t have to be on disability to work with them, but working with them *may help me qualify for disability. (According to an attorney I spoke to a few years ago. This may not apply to everyone, as each case is different.)

The job I got with them was pretty great. I listened in on customer service phone calls for a large cable/internet/phone company and did quality control checks. It was a fun job, and I could do it easily, because I could control where I sat, the volume of the calls, the temperature of the room, I had my heating pads, my sunglasses if I needed them—I could control my entire environment. What I couldn’t handle, however, was the fact that they merged with a new company and kept changing the way they wanted calls audited almost every week. So we would just get it down pat and then they’d change it on us. Or they’d want us to do X amount of calls but only give us X-Z to do, then yell at us for not meeting our quota. Or, in my case, they’d give us all the calls, and I would get 7X done, and they only needed 2X, so I’d get yelled at for doing too many. (I listened to them sped up, bc when I listened at regular speed I fell asleep).

Being a company that only hires disabled people, though, they were very understanding if I had a migraine or a fibromyalgia flare. Especially my boss because his wife had fibromyalgia.

I did eventually have to quit there as well, because I was too fatigued and all the changes and mixed communications were getting way too stressful. I would like to eventually get another job with vocational rehabilitation, and I’m studying medical billing and coding for that purpose.

I can only speak from my own experience, but when I started losing jobs and had to scale back my expectations for what my schooling and career would be because of my illnesses, I was devastated. I was ashamed that I was failing everyone who believed in me, especially my parents who helping me pay for college. I was failing every time I tried to go back. i failed every job I tried to do.

But what years of therapy and a lot of grieving for myself have helped me realize is that I didn’t fail. I was trying my hardest I’ve ever tried before. I was literally dying and I still worked so hard. When I look back on that time, I don’t see a slacker who didn’t go to class (ok maybe once or twice if I’m honest)—I see a teenager who just had extensive knee surgery and couldn’t make it through the ice and snow without falling. I see a 20 year old who had a ruptured chocolate cyst that took almost a month to recover from, but she still went to work and classes, even though she was bleeding and puking (and they sent her home from work for “being in obvious pain and worrying the customers”. thanks, large chain store home improvement store I won’t mention by name.) I also see a girl that was in a very toxic relationship while all of this was happening to her body/reproductive system, and was being told not for the first time and surely not by the first man that no one would ever want her with these problems (sexual dysfunction/pain and not being able to have kids).

As I look back through all I’ve made it through, I’m kind of amazed. I never feel good about myself, or like a strong person when people tell me how strong and brave etc, I am...but maybe I should. It wasn’t long after the above happened that I literally almost died. That changed the way I approached my health, but not other areas in my life.

I still let my bosses, my bf, and my friends walk all over me. Even abuse me. My therapist is insistent upon this idea of being compassionate and caring with myself. On the outside it sounds simple. I’m that way to other people all the time. Why would it be any different with myself?

The more I try though, the more ridiculous I feel. Why should I love this person who can’t finish school? Who can’t keep a job? Who can’t have children? Who can’t run anymore? Can barely lift a gallon of milk? Can hardly stay awake for a full day? Who sleeps til one or two PM? Who can barely string A sentence together? This crabby, irritable, mean, forgetful, fat, useless person. Why show her love and compassion?

And I think what I’m supposed to take away from it is all the stuff I said before...about how I made it through all of that stuff. All of that pain. The persecution. The near-death surgical experience. But all I can think of from all of that is: and I’m tired. I’m just.so.tired.

That’s why I’m on hiatus. I have nothing positive to give right now. I’m sorry. I want to keep the podcast going and keep the blogs coming but I just can’t for right now.

Feel free to send blogs in by clicking “contact“ or hitting me up on Twitter...I will make sure they make it here.

Til next time...