Next on Is It a Ghost or Is It Psychosis!?

So I know some of y’all have been itching for an update. I also know some of y’all have no idea what I’m referring to. Respect to all.

I have had a follow-up with my psychiatrist, and although it may have been entertaining, I did not breach the subject of the paranormal with him. He is an extremely nice man, but he does not appear to have that kind of sense of humor. (Picture a very skinny Anupam Kher as he expertly portrays Vijay Kapoor in New Amsterdam). He is very kind, professional, and not ‘stodgy’...but maybe straight-laced is the word I’m looking for?

Anyway we discussed what I’ve been up to, AKA not exercising enough, not enjoying things, hearing voices, feeling sensations, seeing large mosquitoes 🦟...all those things I shouldn’t be doing—oh, and my favorite, not sleeping.

So he decides to *double* my seroquil, and increase my effexor to 300. Also I have to start taking that in the morning, no matter how it makes my stomach feel, because it is an upper. Lame.

He also asked about four times in our five minute chat “any thoughts of suicide?” Which I know, it’s his job to suss these things out. It really felt like I was being interviewed by Paula Zahn on death row though. Like he was trying to finally catch me after 13 years of evading the question. “Did you kill...your neighbor’s husband?...*icy stare*”. “...any thoughts of suuiiciide?”

Had he asked me a few weeks ago, my answer may have been yes, honestly. I was feeling pretty down, the voices seemed like they were urging me to do something, or telling me I was worthless, or like I didn’t need to be here. It’s hard to explain. It’s not like a clear, understandable voice I can immediately recall hearing. It’s more like an overwhelming hum/indistinguishable talking, like if you walked into a crowded room, but it’s not super loud. It’s just loud enough to be obnoxious, and it’s overwhelming bc I don’t understand it. But I know its intent. And I recall the feelings it made me feel later, almost like I can hear it saying it to me.

If that makes any sense. Hopefully it does, because I don’t know how else to explain it. And now that he asked me if I’m feeling paranoid, I feel like maybe I am. But not from anyone real, just from the voices and the tactile sensations. Are they out to get me? Will they be breaking through the higher dose of meds? I had *just* taken my medication when I felt it earlier, so we’ll let that one slide.

Am I feeling paranoia because I’m actually paranoid, or because my doctor put the idea in my head by asking if I am?

#WhyAmILikeThis ?! 😂

Fun coincidence, a couple days later, my regular doctor followed up with me as well, and decided we should do #gabapentin twice a day too. So now I have double gabapentin, double seroquil, and an increased dose of Effexor (and a partridge in a pear tree).

I have spent a lot of time in bed recently due to the weather, my med changes, general #fatigue , and #chronicpain . I hope I get used to this mess soon. For some reason, it feels like in the bedroom is the place I get the strongest #paranormal / #hallucinatory attacks. You’d think if they were due to #mentalillness they would happen anywhere I am. 🤔🧐

Well, more on that as the story develops, I suppose. When it happens I’ve stopped being a fraidy cat and reciting “it’s not real, it’s not real”, and instead I’ve been laying in a very open position, taking a deep breath, and calmly asking what it wants.

If it becomes aggressive again like the firs times, obviously this behavior from me will not continue, however, I did hear from a medium on a podcast I was listening to recently that being open to helping spirits when they’re trying to reveal themselves to you makes it so much easier for everyone.

So I suppose whether I get an answer, we shall have to wait and see!